by diva | Jul 25, 2016 | Explore
Hello my darling divas! This blog was inspired by a friend of mine who asked me if I had a particular word I claimed as mine–she had read a book that said everyone needed a word to hang their hat on, so to speak. As it turns out, I do have a word and have had it for a few years. That word is FEARLESS, and it sure came in handy during my divorce.
The morning that my ex told me to sit down, he wanted to talk, a shot of fear raced through my heart. The fear continued as he said he wanted a divorce and had wanted one for years, and when he confirmed that he was leaving me for a younger coworker. My first thought was, “How am I going to survive?” At the time I was unemployed and didn’t have a clue how spousal support worked, where I was going to live, or pay bills. Then gradually I remembered my chosen word–days later, actually. Once the shaking stopped and I regained some semblance of equilibrium, I decided I needed to face this situation head-on and figure it out. Women survived this all the time, I reminded myself. It would mean massive change, but I had gone through changes many times before and always landed on my feet. I decided to view this as an opportunity to start over with a clean slate rather than stay a quivering mess on the floor.
The nice thing about attitude is that you get to choose yours, any time, any place. Even though I went through phenomenal pain for many months, I made it through relatively unscathed because I reminded myself that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appears Real (from my days as a drug/alcohol counselor). This divorce would be what I made of it. Fear would cripple me; choosing to take one step at a time, with support from family and friends, allowed me to break the process into manageable chunks. The word FEARLESS also conjured up the image of myself as a warrior, standing up for myself, moving forward, letting go of things that no longer served me. And the thing is, once you step into that fearless space, possibilities open up, creativity sparks, and solutions appear. You find that you can create a new life out of the ashes, one that is more beautiful and satisfying than you thought possible.
FEARLESS has come in handy as I had to find a new place to live, downsize like crazy to fit into my very cute (but MUCH smaller) apartment, and get out into the dating scene. Especially the dating scene. It has allowed me to open my heart to love again. Powerful.
FEARLESS is my word. What is yours?
Liesel Darby, Divorce Coach and Diva
by diva | Jul 6, 2016 | Explore
This is my first blog (ever!), and I am thinking there is no better way to do this than to jump right in. This blog is for any woman who is still reeling from the initial decision to divorce, is in the middle of the process, or is completely divorced and thinking, “Now what”? My intention is to offer helpful tips, pose thought-provoking questions, and explore the many facets of divorce—all in an attempt to get you through the pain and into your joy again. I am a divorce coach and my mission is to get you through this phase of your life with as much dignity, clarity, and happiness as possible.
One thing about divorce—no one can prepare you for the pain that is involved. Whether it is like a low-grade fever that festers over many years until there is nothing left of the marriage, giving you an inkling of what’s coming, or it blows up in your face one day with no clear warning (although when you look back, you will always see signs)…there is always pain involved. Excruciating pain, in many cases. Pain that makes you forget to breathe and you catch yourself holding your breath throughout the day, for many days or even months…pain that makes you shake uncontrollably…pain that makes you burst into tears when a stranger says hello (just for a little while, thankfully).
Then there’s the numbness that sets in, the fog of days to get through…asking yourself what happened and what will happen…
There’s the whole legal aspect to deal with, and how are you supposed to do that when you are overwhelmed with emotions? Do you give up everything just to get it over with and move on, or do you unsheathe the claws and make him pay, fighting over every last detail? And if children are involved, how in the world do you break their hearts while trying to make everything ok for them? Who gets the friends? What about in-laws? What if you were close to his family? All of these aspects must be handled, and the more graceful you can be about it, the better off you will be in the end.
I will help you explore ways to take care of yourself, good things to know as you go through the legal process of separating lives, how to create the best version of yourself for this new life you have, and even things to consider when you feel that you are ready to venture out into the dating world again (yes, that time does eventually come, I promise).
So here’s to creating the next chapter in your life! Divorce is an ending, but also a beginning. There is still light even if you can’t see it right now. It never goes away, we just sometimes have our eyes covered up. Let’s join in this journey to be joyful.
Dancing into the light with you,
Liesel Darby, M.A, M.Ed., CC
Divorce Coach
