by diva | Dec 31, 2020 | Create
Amid a once in a century pandemic including lockdowns, quarantining, and a life generally more compact, it was still a year in which miracles occurred and opportunities for thankfulness abound. One such miracle occurred during a ZOOM networking event through the Parma Area Chamber of Commerce. This is the new way of networking and staying connected, and on this particular ZOOM event, I was introduced to Chris Inman of Classic Strategic Media. He gave me the miracle of producing my videos for free, as long as his intern , Katie Roberts, was with him for the summer. I gratefully accepted his offer. A huge shout out goes to Katie for her time and talent for helping me get up to speed in technology, and I think she did an awesome job! She was able to listen to my vision for the videos and made them come alive. She continued to work on my videos even after she returned to Bowling Green State University this Fall. Here’s to much continued success in her career!
by diva | Feb 9, 2017 | Create
We all hear about taking charge of your life–make to do lists, schedule time to fit in exercise, work, play, friends, family, etc. What I have discovered, and am adjusting to practicing, is leaving space for life to happen. To let life unfold at it’s own pace instead of forcing things to happen.
This is new for me. I want what I want and it’s usually now. Patience has never been a huge virtue of mine, but it is becoming stronger the more I learn to let circumstances unfold in their own time. I am learning to let frustration go, just as I’ve been letting go of much of my old life for the past 2 years. It’s a funny feeling, this letting go—kind of like exhaling a breath you’ve been holding in for a minute.
Take, for instance, my partnership with my guy. Now, I don’t have a huge long list of exes, but the significant relationships have always moved along at a pretty good clip concerning sharing deeper feelings, usually within a few months, and I knew where I stood. Not with this guy. Let me be clear–I know he loves me by his actions. There’s no doubt we have a deep connection, incredible chemistry, all the good stuff is there. However, he is taking his sweet old time in uttering the three magic words. Part of me likes and appreciates this. He doesn’t just throw those words around, and when he says them they will mean something. I know he is still healing from his divorce. To top it off, he is a Cancer, and everyone knows they approach love sideways and cautiously, are able to show love but are slow to say the words. He is wonderful in every way and I know he is the one for me, but this was driving me crazy for a while. I wanted to sing love songs, write love notes, be all mushy. I even told him once that it was ok to be mushy with me. He replied, “Not yet.” I thought maybe on our one-year anniversary. Then maybe my birthday. Then maybe on our cruise. Nope. Everything else was romantic and perfect in every way. Christmas, New Year–not yet. Now Valentine’s Day is next week. And I’m not going to push it. As my friend pointed out when I was lamenting this to her, half of the fun is in the anticipation of that moment. She’s right. I am staying in the moment, and letting this romance unfold at it’s own unique pace. It’s good practice for other areas in life too, letting they mystery of life reveal itself instead of trying to always force things. So I’m taking a deep breath, and exhaling, anticipating those sweet words from his lips…when he’s ready. Creating by doing what appears to be nothing. Now that’s a trick.
by diva | Oct 13, 2016 | Become
About a month ago, my guy wanted to go on a bike ride with me. He loves to bike and is serious about it: He has an expensive lightweight bike, the correct biking attire, and had been in a biking meetup group. He likes to go fast, go up hills, and go long distances. The last time I had been on a bike, 3 years ago, I crashed my boss’s wife’s new bike during our office outing, ending up with a huge bruise on my thigh when I went over the handlebars, and had road rash on my face and neck from scraping the stone wall of the bridge. I landed on my back with my feet in the air and I stayed like that while my boss and colleague ran up, saying, “Is she dead?” I wasn’t, just humiliated and bruised. Prior to this incident, it had been a good 30 years since I had been on a bike. Because I will do anything for this man, I said ok. My mom had given me her old bike (she had fallen off of it and broken her femur a few years before but she and my dad ride their bikes all the time). We loaded up the bikes in my SUV and went to a biking path that was pretty flat. It was also going to be a 19 mile ride. My body started trembling as I saddled up, and I was having a hard time balancing and staying on my side of the bike path. My guy started riding behind me, saying, “You’re leaning to the right! Sit in the middle! Keep your arms straight! Look ahead of you and down, don’t look at other people!” I hadn’t realized there was so much to remember at one time. After about half a mile of me swerving all over the place, he wanted to give up, saying,” It’s not going to work. Let’s go back.” Now, I did not want to disappoint him, and I kept telling myself that it shouldn’t be this hard. Look at all the other people out here who were balancing and going straight, not hitting anything, and seeming to enjoy this. I insisted that we press on.
We eventually made it to a farmer’s market, which I had believed was 10 miles in and our turnaround point. Wow, that seemed to go fast. I had a hot dog and lemonade and was ready to go back. “Oh no,” my guy said, “This is only about 3 miles in. We’re going to bike to the train stop and then we can take the train back. It’ll be fun! Only a few more miles. Let’s go.” Ok. I was game for that. A train ride did sound fun. And I seemed to be doing much better after eating the hot dog. I pretended that I was 10 years old. However, I did crash twice, and for some reason forgot about using my hand brakes and tried to stop with my feet. The second crash was into a bridge rail because I looked at it. Not long after that happened I noticed that my front tire was making a funny shape. I had my guy look at it but he seemed to think it was ok. We made it to the train stop, but it was going to be another 2 hours until the next one. My guy didn’t want to wait that long. “Come on, we’ll ride to Akron and catch that train, but we have to hurry!” Gulp. This one way trip was 19 miles. I had him look at my tire again. This time he said, “Oh my God, you really bent the rim! Did you run over a stick? How did you do this?” I was remembering the bridge crash, which he hadn’t witnessed. (He had been riding in front of me and only heard other bikers asking me if I was ok.) “I didn’t do anything!” He sighed, and said, “Well, let’s get going as best you can. Maybe we can find a bike shop in Akron to look at it.”
And so we took off again. I managed to stay on my side of the lane, not wobble so much, and actually began to relax. We did find a bike shop close to the train stop. The owner laughed when he saw my rim. “This looks like a taco. You could use it as a lawn ornament but not much else.” I thought of my mom, she could make something beautiful out of this, probably. The rim was deemed unfixable and so my guy bought me a new rim. While there we met a woman who was biking across the country by herself, on a journey to experience the kindness of people and blogging about it. This was her way of healing after the death of her young son, from cancer. She said she was astonished at how kind people are, everywhere she traveled. I told her I was inspired by her. She saw my tire and asked if I was ok. She gave me props for getting back on my bike not once, but twice after a crash. My guy just rolled his eyes. We made it in time to catch the train, and it was a nice ride, sitting in a comfortable seat and watching the scenery go by, knowing I couldn’t crash into anything. We haven’t been biking since. But I will go if asked, because I will do anything for my guy, and it’s all about getting back on the bike after a crash.
The obvious parallel to divorce is that even if you crashed and got banged up, get back out there. Even if you are trembling at first, you will eventually find a supportive, kind person to ride through life with, as well as meet some wonderful, inspiring people along the way. And even if you crash again and again, it’s still fun to see where it takes you. The only thing you have to remember is this: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall. It only matters that you get up one more time.
by diva | Aug 16, 2016 | Become
You may have heard this before: In all things give thanks. Sounds simple, but it’s not easy. That’s because this includes giving thanks for even the most painful, treacherous times, those times when you find yourself curled into the fetal position in your bed just trying to remember to breathe. This is especially the time to be grateful for what you are going through. Don’t roll your eyes, it’s true. Just because you can’t fathom how this gut-wrenching moment is going to help you out in life doesn’t mean that that’s not exactly what will happen. Sometimes it just takes a while for the blessing part to show itself, but it always does.
There are two ways to use gratitude along your journey. The first, as described above, is to use it moment by moment, to remind yourself that everything is a blessing. Just give thanks, either to yourself or out loud (it’s more powerful to write it down or say it out loud, and even better to tell someone else about your gratitude for that specific moment).
The second way to be grateful is to look at the bigger picture of your life and list as many things that you are grateful for on a regular basis. When going through a rough patch, it is helpful to remember that there is always something that is going good in your life, no matter how insignificant you may think it is. I have a friend who kept a gratitude journal when going through her divorce. She noted that bananas were on sale for 39 cents a pound and that happened to be her daughter’s favorite breakfast food, so she could make her food budget stretch that week. In my own situation, I was grateful (eventually) that my ex cheated on me, because that was an absolute ending for me–no waffling about should we try to work it out or give a second chance (he wasn’t saying he wanted to work it out, but it still helped me to move forward). Now, this particular bit of gratitude only came about later, after the shock wore off that he left me for another woman. It was several months before I saw it as the gift that it was.
That’s my point, though. Even the worst moments are really blessings in some way, at some point. On a grander scale, I am grateful for my divorce because it showed me how much my family and true friends love me, it allowed me to discover my mental and emotional strength, revealed my true purpose in life as a divorce coach, and best of all, opened up my heart to meet my soul mate. None of this would have happened if my ex had not betrayed me. I am grateful for having to move into a cozy (translation: small) apartment because it forced me to get rid of a ton of stuff that I didn’t need and can’t even remember anymore. I am grateful for carrots and hummus, the perfect dinner when I don’t feel like cooking (so pretty much every day). I am grateful for my complete loss of appetite when he first told me he was leaving because I lost a lot of weight and kickstarted my exercise routine that has kept it off. I am grateful for the few obviously wrong guys I dated right after my divorce because they helped me to recognize Mr. Right when he showed up. I’m grateful that my ex moved to Michigan to be with this other woman because I don’t have to worry about running into him or her around town. Today I am grateful that my friend Jeri set up my web site and wrote down the instructions on how to add blog posts…thanks, my friend! I am thankful that my apartment complex has $5 pizza night on Tuesdays because sometimes I get tired of carrots and hummus. And on and on I could go.
I highly suggest keeping a gratitude journal. Each day write down 5 things you are grateful for that day, and the more specific you can be, the better. So instead of listing your kids or your job, dig down and find a specific reason you are grateful for that person or thing. As you begin to look for things to be grateful for, a funny thing happens: You begin to notice all kinds of things to write down. Your filter changes and thus your world view changes as well. You begin to realize how rich and blessed you truly are. All because of two little words: Thank you.
by diva | Jul 25, 2016 | Explore
Hello my darling divas! This blog was inspired by a friend of mine who asked me if I had a particular word I claimed as mine–she had read a book that said everyone needed a word to hang their hat on, so to speak. As it turns out, I do have a word and have had it for a few years. That word is FEARLESS, and it sure came in handy during my divorce.
The morning that my ex told me to sit down, he wanted to talk, a shot of fear raced through my heart. The fear continued as he said he wanted a divorce and had wanted one for years, and when he confirmed that he was leaving me for a younger coworker. My first thought was, “How am I going to survive?” At the time I was unemployed and didn’t have a clue how spousal support worked, where I was going to live, or pay bills. Then gradually I remembered my chosen word–days later, actually. Once the shaking stopped and I regained some semblance of equilibrium, I decided I needed to face this situation head-on and figure it out. Women survived this all the time, I reminded myself. It would mean massive change, but I had gone through changes many times before and always landed on my feet. I decided to view this as an opportunity to start over with a clean slate rather than stay a quivering mess on the floor.
The nice thing about attitude is that you get to choose yours, any time, any place. Even though I went through phenomenal pain for many months, I made it through relatively unscathed because I reminded myself that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appears Real (from my days as a drug/alcohol counselor). This divorce would be what I made of it. Fear would cripple me; choosing to take one step at a time, with support from family and friends, allowed me to break the process into manageable chunks. The word FEARLESS also conjured up the image of myself as a warrior, standing up for myself, moving forward, letting go of things that no longer served me. And the thing is, once you step into that fearless space, possibilities open up, creativity sparks, and solutions appear. You find that you can create a new life out of the ashes, one that is more beautiful and satisfying than you thought possible.
FEARLESS has come in handy as I had to find a new place to live, downsize like crazy to fit into my very cute (but MUCH smaller) apartment, and get out into the dating scene. Especially the dating scene. It has allowed me to open my heart to love again. Powerful.
FEARLESS is my word. What is yours?
Liesel Darby, Divorce Coach and Diva
